Sunday Energy #11

dreams and nostalgia

tw for reference to body dysmorphia/dieting fuckery

What I’ve been doing this morning: slowly making my way through a bag of old notebooks that my mother put aside for me when I went to visit her yesterday. I’d say there are about 20 in there, all dating from around 2009 to 2013. I’ve gotten through about five so far, each one is mostly the same: a hodgepodge of logistical to-do lists for my first job at StyleLikeU, long stretches of blank pages, pages filled with elaborate scribbles/doodles, notes from several classes I took at The New School, lots of math equations that are most certainly incorrect, show notes for my defunct podcast Two Brown Girls, a smattering of poems, fan-fiction (Being Human, Doctor Who), and here and there, some personal musings.

In one of the notebooks, there are a few pages where I’ve written down things I want to manifest: a partner (eerily I seem to have described the person I am with now), a steady stream of income, more friends. I was struck by how a lot of the things I wanted back then, I still want, just differently, more expansively. Even though in many ways one would say I already have them. I guess I’m trying to say that I realize that sometimes one can become so stuck on wanting more that one forgets that they already have the thing. And getting the thing never really looks like or feels like what you thought it would. Which is the beautiful point.