If you’ve been wondering at all how I’m doing, it’s giving:
I’ve been in bed all morning and I won’t apologize for it!! I’m really struggling with living and I won’t apologize for that, either. I’m fucking tired. We all are, aren’t we? I wish so deeply that we could all get the spiritual rest we need, but the way this world is set up…Trash. These days I’m feeling very detached from everything (hence my disappearance from this platform and others for the past month) and I won’t apologize for that, too, though there’s a part of me that is always on the brink of saying “I’m sorry,” out of habit and out of conditioning.
Toying with what it would look/feel/taste like to become more preoccupied with making amends to myself. For every instance of self-betrayal, self-sabotage, self-criticism. Thinking about how to make up with myself. Forgive myself. There’s something very appealing about forgiveness, these days.
People are always talking about giving grace and having compassion but I want to know what that actually means, practically, in a life, and I’m hoping to find out. Every day I just try to move with the understanding that I am a constant time-traveler, living every moment of my life three-ways at once. I try to remember the thread that ties the past, present, and future versions of myself together.
I wonder about what past me would think of who I am right now, and I’m curious about what my future self will think as well. I think all forms of myself are deeply intimate with regret. These days, I want more closeness with acceptance and surrender - surrendering to the fact that there are things I may regret, or things that I may pine for, and that’s OK. That’s human. And to be human is to yearn.